Deicide
Insineratehymn

THE REVIEW

I've been listening to "Vile" by Cannibal Corpse for a month now, and I must say it no longer has the brutalizing effect it used to... it's like, how should I put it, as if one day the MS became kind or as if, all of a sudden, Italy had honest politicians... It's these subversions that bring the world to ruin!

So I decided to dedicate myself to listening to "Deicide," the standard-bearers of non-innovative sound: Deicide have never betrayed me, and every time I buy their work, I know it’s something exceptional. Let's be honest, Deicide are to metal what Mike Buongiorno is to television: ungenerated and imperishable. I ordered the album on the internet, and when I typed in my credit card number, the message appeared "Ah Ah Ah! We cloned your credit card and with your money, we'll pay the bail for the Beasts of Satan!"... how useful Deicide makes me feel to society!!!

A few days later, the mailman rings, but I hadn't forgotten that I had to mummify him in barbed wire... however, when I go downstairs, he hands me the coveted Masterpiece: "Incynehritghfyjkmein" or something like that... As I read the title of the CD, the mailman takes off his Italian Post jacket and removes the mask... it’s him, Glenn Benton! I recognize him from the inverted cross branded on his forehead and the pentacle-shaped scar he got by getting run over by a truck. With a hissing voice, he says to me: "This is our best album, like all our albums from 1991 to today: every album of ours is the best. But now, you must be faithful to us forever, even when we find ourselves burning together in the dark depths of hell with the fanged and forked devils who will skewer us, curse us with the seven curses of Satan the Master, and force us with boiling oil to kill Jesus in a painful and atrocious way and..." but I interrupt him and point out that Jesus is already dead... Glenn bursts into tears, perhaps he had forgotten, and I destroyed all his dreams... in any case, he has me sign a blank bill of exchange "for the cause," dresses back as a mailman, and vaporizes in front of my eyes... Has he returned to hell? The answer for posterity...

I go up to my house and put the CD in the player... It's difficult to describe the sensations aroused by titles like "BibleSmasher" or "I Hate You Forever": suddenly, I feel a growing need to recreate the intimate atmospheres described by Deicide... So I take the matches and set the curtains on fire... But Mom has never stopped listening to Cannibal Corpse, because she is very Brutal: so she takes a butcher's hook and sticks it up my ass (those who know Cannibals get it)... I put out the fire and think that Hell can wait (cool sentence, I'll contact MGM and propose it as a title for the next James Bond film)...
But no, with the succession of tracks, Glenn's solemn words instill in me the desire to crucify a Christian upside-down and dismember him with a satanic black goat horn: but who? There's no need to ask, the mailman! And what if it's Glenn in disguise? I can't crucify a fellow member of satanic demonic Luciferian infernal legions, especially if he's THE High Priest of the council of devils on earth and the senate of Hades. I change target, and this time I focus on a real integralist Catholic Christian, Father Fedele Bisceglia!! But suddenly, Glenn emerges from the wardrobe, I recognize him from the Nargaroth tattoo, and he tells me that Father Fedele is better left untouched and adds "Joking with the Saints and not with the Mafia"; so I decide to crucify my sister. She is always good and instead of shoving my head in the toilet when I vomit, she always annoys me with pathetic phrases like "Do you need something? Can I help you in some way?"... Unbearable... so I prepare an inverted black wooden cross and get ready to crucify her... meanwhile, the refrigerator (the one I had kicked) whispers very evil magic formulas. Then I open it, and who's inside? Him again, Glenn Benton disguised as a milk slice: this time he makes himself recognized by showing me the skull-shaped scar of God (how the hell is God’s skull!?) that he got with the lawnmower. He scolds me because my sister is not a practicing Catholic and therefore I can't crucify her according to the Gorgoroth and Nargaroth ritual. Then he unwraps himself (I remember he was dressed as a milk slice) and says to me "Listen to Incyneratheimnghtyfs (even he doesn’t know what it's called nda) and feel the darkness of evil enter you: then buy all our other records, which are all the best. Only then will you be able to sit at the right hand of the Lord of Evil" and disappears again.
I leave my sister and return to listening to the CD: I feel extremely evil (like Dad the day he found out that the Office Head was banging my mom, and Juve lost) and start thinking I really want to go to Hell. I go to Mail Order, but I can't order any more Deicide albums because with the credit card money, they got the Beasts of Satan out of jail. In fact, Andrea Volpe and his gang ring my house and come to celebrate with chips, cola, orange soda, and the cursed blood of sacrificed victims: they tell me that tonight they will sacrifice someone on the altar of Belzebù and Ascaroth and that I can't miss it, otherwise they'll have to suicide me (this time I don’t get it wrong: according to the vocabulary of the Beasts of Satan, "suicidare" is transitive). So we all listen to "Incynerhatmniefshgjk" so we will be evil and can act in accordance with the will of Satan, god of evil and blasphemous, iconoclastic evil impiety. Deicide are very evil, and I too feel evil when I listen to Deicide. While listening, I see Dad drunk, beating my sister bloody because she once again let Mom go to work on the streets: did he also listen to Deicide? No, because otherwise, Glenn would have told him to beat Ruini and not my sister, who isn't even practicing...