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(background theme music)
Jenny Sfotti “Good evening to everyone in the studio audience and especially those at home. I’m Jenny Sfotti and you’re watching... Who Wants to be a Billionaire...!!!”
(applause)
Let's welcome our contestant, Maurizio Testalunga, a suppository tester, who's closing in on the goal, a billion!!!
(applause)
Testalunga “Hi Jenny, I’d like to say hello to my friends, Aldo the baker, Franco the tire dealer, Giulio the milkman, Mario the postman, the other Mario the deli owner...”
(audience boos)
Jenny Sfotti “Enough, enough, the show must go on. Just 3 questions to reach a billion. You still have all your lifelines. Phone a friend, ask the audience, and 50/50. Who’s at home?
Testalunga “My grandfather”
Jenny Sfotti “Your grandfather? But he's probably an old man who doesn't understand a damn...”.
Testalunga “Jenny, are you making fun? Be careful, my grandfather will kick your butt, he's a black belt in Jujitsu”
Jenny Sfotti “But let's move on despite your grandfather, that darn old man. Here's the first question. Who was the first singer of Deep Purple? Let's read the answers together. Ian Gillan, Rod Stewart, Rod Evans, Bertín Osborne.”
Testalunga “I don’t know, nor does my grandfather. But Bertín Osborne rings a bell. In the drawers of my memory, his face is engraved as he treads the stage of the Ariston with the song Eterna Malattia, which ranked 14th with 2435 votes even though that night he had a pimple on his right testicle that prevented him from walking properly. But I’d ask for the audience lifeline”
Jenny Sfotti “Let’s focus on the audience, see how distanced they are, and all, I say all, wearing masks. Come on, let’s give our contestant a hand. Are you ready? 3, 2, 1... Here’s the result. Unbelievable!!! It has never happened before. All at 25%. I sensed it was a difficult question, dear Mr. Testalunga, the decision is tough”
Testalunga “I might stick with my first guess. Bertin Osborne”
Jenny Sfotti “Is Bertín Osborne your final answer?”
Testalunga “Yes”
Jenny Sfotti “Locking it in?”
Testalunga “I have a doubt, though. Maybe Ozzy Osbourne was Bertín Osborne’s uncle. And when Ozzy left Black Sabbath, replaced by Ian Gillan, he became a big Celtic fan, much like Rod Stewart. So I'm undecided. I’ve mentioned all 4 answers”
Jenny Sfotti “No. You haven’t said Rod Evans.”
Testalunga “Jenny, I must confess I don’t know. I’m desperate, so I'll just throw it out there. And I'll say Rod Evans. Thanks for suggesting it”
Jenny Sfotti “Oh. What a slip-up. Is Rod Evans your final answer?”
Testalunga “Yes”
Jenny Sfotti “Locking it in?”
Testalunga “Yes”
Jenny Sfotti “We’ll go to the control room for a commercial break and return with the answer. Stay tuned with us.
(Applause)
“Hey director, is this Testalunga a plant? No, let me understand. Who the hell is he???!!!”
Testalunga “Sorry Jenny, but I'm right here, why are you talking as if I'm not?”
Jenny Sfotti “Thieves of gold tokens, go back to your homes. @@@azzz@@@figl@@@@put@@@
Are we live? Oh, welcome back. We have here the contestant who answered impulsively. Is Rod Evans the first singer of Deep Purple? Drum roll... Yes!!!!! He got it right and just 2 steps remain to a billion with still 2 lifelines”
“Sto figlio 'e 'ntrocchia (whispering)”
Testalunga “Jenny, thinking back it wasn't that hard, you just had to think carefully, just like I did”
Jenny Sfotti “But now the best part is coming. The penultimate question. It will be extremely difficult. And there'll be high chances of failure. Let’s read it together. The Deep Purple were listed in the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s loudest band following a concert at the Rainbow Theatre in London during which three audience members lost consciousness. What was the decibel level reached? Here are the answers: 116, 117, 118, 119.”
Testalunga “Can I use the 50/50 lifeline? If so, remove two wrong answers for me”
Jenny Sfotti “Mr. Testalunga has certainly got brains, here’s what the control room proposes. Perfect, the two remaining answers are 117 and 118.”
Testalunga “Let’s try to reason. What do these numbers tell me? Well, 118 is the emergency number, while 117 is the finance police. Let me think, let me think... Well, I must answer because the billion is right there, one step away. I’d say 117.”
Jenny Sfotti “Mumble mumble... Mr. Testalunga you are really... um... in the nick of time, your answer... is correct!!! Incredible. Stay with us dear viewers. Here you'll see some real action”
Testalunga “It wasn’t that difficult. Let’s see what comes next”
Jenny Sfotti “Last question. There is the goal. But what about that grandfather, should we call him or not?”
Testalunga “Jenny if the question is truly difficult, I'll disturb him. Now he's having a nap because I think he had a pot of stuffed eggplants for dinner.”
Jenny Sfotti “Here is the question. During the December 11, 1974 concert at the Milwaukee Arena, which cover was played between the tracks Lay Down, Stay Down and Highway Star? Georgia on My Mind, Going Down, Not Fade Away or Hey Joe?”
Testalunga “Jenny, shall I call my grandfather?”
Jenny Sfotti “Hahaha and you think grandpa knows the answer?”
Testalunga “Let’s try”
Jenny Sfotti “Control room, do you have grandpa's number? Call him let's have a good laugh. Hello? Testalunga’s grandfather? Grandpa? Can you hear us?”
Grandpa “O. Aiù…. i….. so”
Jenny Sfotti “Grandpa, can you hear us well?”
Grandpa “U. Te… Ai… muì”
Jenny turns to the audience “the grandfather doesn’t even know Italian. Perfect. Mr. Testalunga proceed with the question to grandpa, watch out the time is running out.”
Testalunga “Grandpa, December 11, 1974, in Milwaukee, Deep Purple concert, what do they sing before Highway Star?”
Grandpa “O… Agg… capì”
Testalunga “Grandpa, I didn’t understand a damn thing”
Grandpa “O… An”
(sound of the gong and the phone line drops)
Jenny Sfotti “Fantastic. Grandpa couldn’t speak, it must be the loose dentures. And then the line dropped. Down, Down.”
Testalunga “Jenny, I hope you suggested correctly. So I say Going down. A song written by Don Nix for the Moloch in their self-titled album dated 1969. I love Freddie King’s version. And especially that of the Deep Purple”
Jenny places her right hand over her heart. She has a start. Falls to the ground. And can simply say “I'm going down”. On the notes of “Going down” the broadcast ends.
Enough, guys. I’ve reached the checkout at Bennet and need to pay for the groceries.
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