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Rating: Do you remember Alberto Tomba, don't you? A man capable of great things with skis on his feet who, however, once off the mountains, dedicated himself body and soul to a self-deterioration operation whose indisputable peak is reached in 2000 with this absurd cinematic disaster.
The reasons and ways in which people endowed with sensitive intelligence (am I then such?) conceived and made possible such idiocy, creating one of the worst films of all time, are unclear to anyone. It's certain that "Alex l'ariete" was supposed to be the pilot for a police drama series that wisely was decided to be canceled. The story is about Alex, a granite-like carabiniere whose discipline is somewhat constricting, and due to his impetuousness, he is assigned a cumbersome mission: escorting the annoying and utterly dull floozy Antavleva (I didn't want you) Bottazzi (Michelle Hunziker), naturally a witness to a murder pursued by ruthless killers. Naturally, love blossoms between the two, and naturally, the good Alex will eventually smash the entire criminal organization, led by the "Big Pig", an incurable swine indulging with tarts only to bump them off.
The plot is absolutely irrelevant and as predictable as a children's story, yet the gems are certainly not lacking. Memorable in this sense is the scene that introduces Alex in action, intent with his team and his best friend Robby (Gabriel Garko, a great actor...) in the assault of a farmhouse filled with thugs. While everything is prepared, an unforeseen event occurs: a stroller, with baby attached, slides under the nose of a careless babysitter, ending up bouncing right behind the two heroes (!). Alex can't hold back and rushes to save the baby (the director wisely decided to use a very stiff doll), but meanwhile, the order to assault is given, Robby very cleverly charges ahead and ends up riddled with bullets; Albertone, in one swoop, loses his best friend and is roasted by his commander. All this provokes a storm of sensations ranging from unrestrained hilarity to the desire to have the screenwriter in hand to smash his face. The amateurism, negligence, the most unrestrained coarseness give a good account of themselves, aiding in a rendition among the worst I've come across. Scenes unfold with an escalation of inconceivable ugliness; Tomba off a ski slope seems like a sort of curly caveman wielding a gun as if it were an ice cream and spouting lines like "Robbi is dead. I'll miss him" with an utterly monotone and subhuman voice, while the other actors are flesh puppets appearing and disappearing in an entirely arbitrary manner.
Poor performance also from Michelle Hunziker, still with her original cheekbones, shabby and unbearable, incapable of expressing the slightest emotion; her pseudo-comic skits with Alberatone are absolutely painful, peppered with dialogues most probably written by a stoner and that kill any semblance of seriousness:
Alex: "Nooo... ! I've lost the keys to the handcuffs along with the phone!" Leva: "But I need to pee, what do I do??" Unwatchable.
Infamous for its indecency, the soundtrack is composed of three themes: a rock and frantic one, obviously utterly awful, for the action scenes, a jaunty and piano-based one for the gags and "Italian comedy" scenes, and an airy and musty one for the sentimental ones. These three monstrosities torture the listener's ear, often alternating without any sense until the end.
It's likely the film suffers from all conceivable defects for a motion picture: a monstrous and shapeless direction; a screenplay that sends shivers, falling apart in a thousand ways, making characters pop up like mushrooms and nonsensically discarding them after two scenes; the protagonists' acting level comparable to that of a corpse; a schizoid and senseless editing, and so on. I wonder who could have ever convinced themselves that Alberto Tomba could be able to act, and I shudder at the thought of people who gave him this opportunity. The fact is we cannot grant this film the benefit of trash, because here everything seems made to prove that the worst can always get worse and never end, and moreover, there's a very clear impression that everyone takes everything very seriously and is well aware of their actions. The involuntary ridiculousness, although rampant, remains secondary to the total filth that the packaging manages to express. "Alex l'ariete" has unpredictable effects, induces a sensation very similar to physical pain, leaves us bewildered and incredulous, yet nails us and makes us say "I want to see if they can do worse!" And alas, they succeed.
What was it meant to be? A commercial operation? The total number of viewers was apparently less than six hundred. A rehabilitation of the carabiniere's image? It seems the blatant confirmation of all conceivable prejudices about the corps that have been the fortune of thousands of jokes. Nothing is saved, not even the utterly gratuitous entry of Ramona Badescu in lingerie. I don't know what happened afterward, but personally, I have never seen Alberto Tomba on television since, nor have I heard of him again.
Watch it, you will experience a dimension of disgust never felt before.
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