Cristiano Malgioglio & M5
Pelame/Sbucciami

THE REVIEW

Did you know that in Italy we have an author so talented that he has written songs for many of the most famous performers of the Boot, such as Mina, Ornella Vanoni, Iva Zanicchi, Giuni Russo, and Stefania Rotolo? And one of his pieces even won Sanremo (if that recognition is a mark of merit for you)? And his name is Cristiano Malgioglio? Be aware! And don't be shocked, it's all true: the well-known "gandaudore" has done this and more.
By more, I mean, for example (though examples could be numerous), the single in question: "Pelame" (2006) an appalling remix (that no one felt the need for) of his classic "Sbucciami," another Guttalax pearl of the Italian music scene.

To understand well the origin of such atrociousness, I propose a brief summary of the Malgioglian epic. Sicilian, born in 1950, he was discovered by none other than Fabrizio De André, who introduced him to the music business. From that moment on, our jack-of-all-trades began to honestly toil by writing pieces for a multitude of performers. So far, nothing wrong. The troubles come when he starts to propose himself as a singer as well. What comes out is a homemade and excessive caricature of the glam so fashionable at that time (late seventies) comparable to Renato Zero (of whom, however, he does not have the charisma and sensitivity) and Leopoldo Mastelloni (of whom he does not have the theatricality and irony). Meanwhile, he continues to mentally produce good songs (which he intelligently lets others sing) and to anally produce a plethora of material that he cannot digest alone, which he maliciously divides with anyone who comes across, getting his fingers in a good percentage of Italian musical trash between the seventies and eighties. With the fading of his star (if it ever was bright), he tries everything by autocovering his 1981 hit "Caro Direttore" transforming it into "Caro Berlusconi" (1992): an indecent but far-sighted marketing maneuver aimed at obtaining the favors of the one who, shortly thereafter, would probably become the most powerful person in Italy. Presumably, the future Prime Minister had far bigger fish to fry than an over-forty gay icon, and so our beloved "gandaudore" left with his tail between his legs to the Caribbean. It's in Cuba that our Grishdiano claims to meet M5, a self-proclaimed trio of local rappers who had the unfortunate idea of being brought to Italy on his triumphant return to the Homeland's Soil at the dawn of the new millennium. Here the good Malgioglio manages to maneuver so well with the new powers-that-be (it is said that he was a regular at Alleanza Nazionale events despite often being called a vegetable's name...) that he finds himself straight as a rod in Mamma Rai's studios, contaminating the airwaves with his forked tongue and his improbable garish and excessive look, making him look like Mirko from Bee Hive's grandfather (could it be due to the Big Bambù, a known Cuban specialty? Who knows..).

It's during one of these numerous shows that he presents the applauding audience with the single "Pelame". If "Sbucciami", the track from which it originates, was a seductive slow song with a vaguely reggae arrangement suited for a gay nightclub but nonetheless honest in its ugliness, the remix is the concentrated embodiment of every music producer's worst nightmares: a very tacky beat worthy of the worst scraps of the nineties italo-dance, lyrics in Spanish (because, as Malgioglio himself claims: "In the Caribbean, I'm more famous than Madonna") with a title that in South American slang is an explicit sexual invitation, a chorus sung with the aid of a vocoder to further torture our ears (as if there was still a need), and, sweetly, the presence of the aforementioned M5: three handsome Cuban men who, unfortunately for them, are guests at Malgioglio's house ("One washes, one irons, one admires") and on top of everything have to back up such a character in the lyrics pleading to be able to sweeten others' mouths after being caught and peeled like a fruit, probably a banana...
If all this is incomprehensible in Hispano-Malgiogliese, the virtual B-side is an alternative version, this time sung in Italo-Malgiogliese.

Final note: in reality, the three M5 aren't Cuban (two are Colombian and the third Brazilian), and in Italy, they are known as Saphiros Latin Project, or teachers of hip-swaying to aroused and scantily clad young women at Latin-American parties. Probably the good Grishdiano only wished for them to live at his house... at least I hope so for their sake.

If it’s true that such trash is re-evaluated over time, I pity the descendants.