Cannibal Corpse
Hammer Smashed Face

THE REVIEW

Those were tough times: the LPP (Pietro Pacciani List) threatened to bring down the Prodi government, claiming that Berlusconi had passed the law on false accounting and the decree saving Previti, while the Professor had rejected the reforms on couples and the decree saving Vanni.

In the midst of so much commotion, Pinocchio was telling the truth about the left on Mediaset, while Pannella was pulling the plug on a terminally ill patient on Raitre, and on La7 some gluttonous person was making peace with God, the Church, and everything else. On Big Brother, they nominated those in favor of abortion and against the Moratti’s reform: on Affari Tuoi, Antonella Clerici was cooking in the box of Lombardy, careful not to fry Arboree in Rome, from a balcony, a guy dressed in white tried to protect life by telling people who to vote for. However, we were lucky because there was still a "pharmakon," a remedy to all this pre-election fervor: it was them, they were the Cannibal Corpses.

I knew well that their latest absolute masterpiece, titled "Uccidere," had just been released, but I was interested in taking a dive into the past; somewhat like when, after you've pooped, you scrape away the crap with the brush... a digression, here it is! So I had ordered from my trusty internet site an essential album in the discography of a Brutal metalhead (or maybe a brutallaro?) like me: "Faccia Spiaccicata da un Martello," released in 1993.

I had spent the earnings of two nights spent hustling at my mom's, who also got hit by the pimp because she was skimming (my mom is very Brutal), but at least within a few days, I could listen to a milestone of the genre. I still didn't understand why this album was called like the first song of "Tomba Dei Mutilati," their most famous album, but I thought it had such a Brutal name that it didn't allow questions. One morning, when I wasn't at school (because going to school isn't Brutal, and now that there are no more ticks in class, I don't enjoy it anymore), they rang the doorbell while I was completing my necklace of butt hair, I knew who it was: the postman, the usual rat who never went on strike and informed on those who came in late with the office manager. And then, because of him, I had lost a piece of butt hair, and now I would have to wait until the next morning to go and retrieve another one on the toilet seat (which is more Grind than Brutal, and thus I like it less). So, I took a fishing rod to finish off this enemy of the people and the Brutal, but when I got there, I didn't have time to ask him for his Union card before he handed me a gem of music... "Faccia Spiaccicata da Un Martello"!!!!

The fishing rod fell from my hands, and the reel shattered into a thousand pieces: at that moment, I wasn't thinking about the beatings my father would give me when he woke up; I was only thinking about my record! Dad was unemployed and always went fishing on the Po in the morning, which is very Brutal: he had been fired once when he spread the word that the owner of the company where he worked was Silvio Berlusconi, although in reality, it was registered to the aunt of the sister of the benchmate of the mechanic of the pastry chef to whom the premier turned. My dad is such a fool! Meanwhile, Bondi came to tell me that since the CD cover was red, I ate children, and then some things about a certain Cossutta and a certain KGB, which I still don't understand. Luckily, shortly after, Pecoraio Scanio arrived dressed as a Drag Queen, and then Casini with incense and holy water to calm things down.

The postman, in the meantime, had fled, but in his place came Chris Barnes, the former singer of the Cannibal Corpses who now plays with Six Feet Under: I recognized him even if from his look he looked more like Bob Marley because he had human toes in one pocket and bloody epiglottis in hand: he approached my ear and told me "Don’t be a fool, act like a fool at the elections!" and vanished. I knew his lyrics, like "The Stench of the Crypt" or "Living Dissection", were very cryptic, but I didn't think he'd go that far. Anyway, when I put the player in the stereo, I discovered it was a much more Brutal album than the other Brutal CDs and that the Cannibal Corpse were almost as Brutal as my mom, who at that moment was kicking my bastard dog in the balls because he had eaten her wig. But even my dog wasn't joking, and indeed he bit my sister, tearing half a calf: the Cannibal Corpses are a bit like the Tavernello, they bring home the cheerfulness. The Cannibal Corpses proved very Brutal indeed they sold me at full price an album made up of three songs, one of which was already on another album, and the other two weren't theirs but of other bands (one of the Possessed and the other of Sabbat Black): I was glad the Corpses were still Brutal like in the old days!!!

I put on the CD: I already knew the first one, but I still had two others!!! And these two were really smashing, even Brutal! I took the trash can and started throwing it against the walls because listening to the Brutal without doing something Brutal doesn't make sense: but mom did something even more Brutal. She called Forlani, who proposed a contract to clean the house of the garbage I had thrown around: he told me I would have to give him money, but then a lot of other people would call me to remove the garbage, and I like trash because it's very Brutal. My sister told me that was called extortion, but I silenced her, calling her a fool, which is a bit too Thrash, but at that moment, I had other Brutal things to think about. Meanwhile, Forlani had gone to run for the house of freedom, but he told me he would do it slowly, quietly, so as not to attract attention. In the meantime, a guy from Naples called me offering me money to take away some waste: Forlani was right! Now I have rivers of money, and I can buy many more Brutal records of the Cannibal Corpses, including the unmissable "Infested by Worms."

Today I went to vote, and I wanted to vote for Forlani, but since he did things slowly, as Silvio likes, his name doesn't appear, and I didn't know where to put the cross: so, remembering the title "Faccia Spiaccicata Da un Martello", I placed the mark where I saw the symbol of the sickle and the hammer, convinced that they were the Cannibal Corpses and that Chris Barnes' name didn't appear because of Silvio's will... only later did I find out that Forlani isn’t running with the Cannibal Corpses... I'm such a fool!!!!