Burzum
Det Som Engang Var

THE REVIEW

Fundamental premise: I am a professional Satanist, registered in the Aryan guild with card no. 666, Viking purity 72% (Wigridr plain teeth: 7 points; god's twilight breath: 9 points; Gungnir spear-shaped *pisello* and ancient god armpit power: 14 points; I burned my dog Agugnir's kennel: 10 points; grandfather wounded by a fox trap in the Glespnir woods: 32 points. It's a bit like when you're in neurology: if you exceed 80%, you get free Valium).

Today my girlfriend and I went to buy Burzum's first unforgettable masterpiece, "Det Som Engang Var". My girlfriend and I always do a lot of crazy stuff when we play uncle Burzum, I let myself be tied to Frigga's tree and we have orgies with druids and druidesses, bards and skalds, bearers of phantom torches that don't burn, and a procession of pagan gods fleeing from the ride of the dead. Usually, the ride of the dead is done by my friend Tommaso and Beppe; however, last time, my father caught us, and that time we ran from a ride of thrashings.

I really love "Det Som Engang Var" because in "Det Som Engang Var" everyone kicks the bucket sooner or later. Hadnur son of Hadser, Balder son of Mannur, Bestla son of Loki's son; and even the wolf Fenrir who lived among the Aesir, kicks the bucket (though I didn't understand what he had to do with it, but he kicks the bucket anyway).
In Svarte Troner, there's basically this Balder son of Flednur, who is announced by Mannur's death, and everyone touches their balls. Then the 140 doors of Vahalla open and all the heroes join the gods in a great final two-handed thrashing.
In the Snu Microcosmos Tegn battle, Vidhar rides first, advancing against the fierce wolf Fenrir (who was minding his own business, though) and will fight with him until he kicks the bucket. In front of the lake, there's a priest who strangles people (well, just to pass the time) as an offering to nature mother goddess. Tommaso and I always try to offer Beppe to the mother goddess, but every time we try to strangle him, he always wriggles free, the bastard.

Uncle Burzum's music is something very close to classical music, the uncle plays the piano a lot and sometimes becomes so languid that everyone falls asleep and in the morning it's always my father who comes to untie me from Frigga's tree in the Hudnijo valley. And he joins my mother in a grand four-handed thrashing.
Today my girlfriend and I are feeling very fetish/ambient, and since that twit of my father is sleeping, we've put on Burzum, and tonight we will screw like beasts with ladies and knights, bishops and musicians, jousts and sword duels, dwarves and ballerinas.
And I am very excited because tonight a great medieval thrashing is planned with the man tied to Frigga's tree.

Merry Christmas to everyone.