Andrew White
Le Notti Del Terrore

Zombie Etruschi.

This one was missing from my collection. Really, I've seen so many bad movies in my life, but a feature film about Etruscan zombies was a first for me.

Plot: a professor (why do all ancient history teachers have to have such long beards?) invites some friends to a villa in England to inform them of a great discovery. Needless to say, upon their arrival, the guests won't find the professor (killed by zombies in a standout sequence) but only the servants. It will be a massacre.

There are many comic aspects to this "film." I could write 200 blunders that good old Andrew White (born Andrea Bianchi, also known as "The imaginative one") dishes out throughout the film, but I would only spoil the surprise for you. Suffice it to know that the story is supposed to be set in England when it is evident that the protagonists are likely in the Roman hills. Or that playing the role of an 11-year-old boy is a certain Peter Bark (a legendary figure in Italian b-movies), aka a 30-year-old man with obvious growth issues. Or that the screenplay, if it can be called that, presents Cabaret-style dialogues; a particularly memorable sequence is when two of the protagonists are in the bedroom the first night of their stay. She is dressed in skimpy clothes. He approaches with the demeanor of a Denim man. She: "Didn't you like my show?" him: "You look like a prostitute. But I like you that way." I swear. If you can, go watch this trash gem because, honestly, it deserves it.

And how can I not highlight the makeup, done by a certain Rosario Prestopino. Green zombies, with ridiculous movements, threatening the protagonists. The faces are made up with carnival masks. Some zombies even have scars drawn with crayon. Nonexistent tension, cacophonous music, and direction that's just meh, make "le notti del terrore" a must-see for anyone looking to have a laugh in company.

The cherry on top is the mention of two key scenes in the film. One is the re-animated Peter "Mom, this thing smells of death" Bark, who, apparently suffering from the Oedipus complex, sucks a breast of his mother, eventually biting off the nipple. The other is the fantastic idea of the friar-zombies. And here one begins to ask questions. Why should zombies (badly made-up zombies) dress as friars? What inspires a screenwriter to write such a blunder? Questions I'm likely never to have answers to. But one thing is certain, if one evening you have nothing to do and fancy a laugh, find "le notti del terrore." You won't regret it.

The quote: She "But it is monstrous, it is not a human being!” He “It's no longer a human being, it's like it's corroded by time!”