“Tango, when I get out of here, I’m gonna rip your ass off your face!”
A phrase, just one damn phrase, is enough to piss all over the entire filmography of David “godthat’ssoboring” Lynch.
And this isn’t just any opinion, this is Pirate’s Opinion, so it can be equated to Indisputable Truth or, if you prefer, Divine Judgment.
Imagine Snake Plissken and John Rambo together, quite a pair, right?
Tango & Cash almost succeeds in bringing them together, even though the two characters here appear more playful.
Tango & Cash is the perfect summation of politically incorrect tacky action movies that don’t give a damn about anything or anyone.
Tango & Cash is one of those movies that doesn’t aim high, doesn’t aim for the critical acclaim, but aims straight at your ass.
I won’t tell you the plot, it’s the usual for every action movie with two badass cops. Obviously, the two even end up in jail, an obligatory step to make the tough guys even tougher.
I’m a tough guy too, even though I’ve never been to jail. But I did 5 years in the French Foreign Legion, and then I was married for another 2 years, I’d say that’s more than enough to turn a man into a perfect and invincible warrior. The Foreign Legion gives you the training to break everything. Marriage gives you the motivation.
But back to us… from this film I learned an important physical law, that is, if you hang onto a high voltage cable and don’t touch the ground with your feet, you won’t get electrocuted.
You know what? I don’t believe this crap for a second, I think they cut the power. Still, it’s a cool scene, maybe the coolest.
The duo works well, the banter is quick and sharp like in only a few other movies. The Italian dubbing, thanks to two masters like Ferruccio Amendola and Roberto Chevalier, is excellent. Truly a shame they didn’t make a sequel.
This has it all, shootings, explosions, fights, torture, bumper cars, and every kind of violence. And at one point, there’s even a long-legged hottie dancing. What more do you want? Do you really think you deserve more?
C’mon!!! Lower your crest if you don’t want to find yourself F.O.L.A. (for the meaning, ask Cash).
Also inevitable is the classic villain who talks, talks, wastes time and then, in the end, ends up looking like a fool. In this case, portrayed by Jack Palance’s big face, an old-school actor, not just some random Stefano Accorsi.
Someone might argue “eh, but these movies are all the same, they’re predictable”.
So what? What do you want me to say, unpredictable isn’t always good and right. For example, diarrhea is unpredictable too, do you like diarrhea by any chance? I don’t.
This is loud stuff that doesn’t need surprises or twist endings. It’s good that it’s exactly as you expect it to be.
Like when you meet a beautiful woman, it’s better when she’s exactly as you see her, without hidden surprises… because they could be a pain in the ass.
Ah, one last thing: Twin Peaks is LAMMERDA and Killer Bob as a villain is absolutely supervelvety!
If he tried with me, I’d beat the crap out of him!
Action movies ’80-’90 >>>> everything
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