Alexander Payne
Paradiso Amaro

THE REVIEW

Original title “The Descendants“, no wordplay or slang, just a plain dictionary translation. “The Heirs“. Sorry boss, but you can't twist this one so let's move on, I'd like a couple of digestive drinks: I have lunch elbowing in my stomach. Calm down, is it Payne's with George Clooney? Yes, they say it's not bad at all, in the style of “Sideways”, maybe better. Well, that work seemed overrated to me, it starts well but gets lost at the end although it's interesting how it mixes comedy and drama. And Paul Giamatti? Yes, it's a decent performance. So let me say that Scarlett Johansson is cute. Ahahaha, put this “The Descendants“ on, joker. And my stomach? There’s a big bottle of warm Coke, it would dissolve marble.

5 Oscar nominations? The girl’s breasts and legs have their reason, but it seems excessive to me even though it is a decent work overall. You don't count: apart from “The Simpsons Movie” (quote from Debasio years past) I've heard you criticize almost every movie made in the last 50 years. You always end up there, you’re banal, however, you want to deny that it’s a fairly stereotyped story; the family that shatters due to a sudden drama, the inherited land that must be sold: the hero between two fires who comes to truly understand daughters, dying wife, and real value of the inheritance only on the brink of abandonment. You're exaggerating, the plot development is linear and predictable but it's the way it’s told that matters. Ah, so you're referring to the stick and carrot story; in drama I put a touch of irony and in comedy a bit of melancholy: Payne hasn’t invented anything. You're right, but if you get the doses wrong, it becomes unwatchable. Then what do you say about the photography? I admit I liked the images of gloomy Hawaii, different from usual. For me, Payne does too many zooms with the camera: in the hospital, it seemed like being inside the pores of the skin, but there are a couple of well-done shots. The hospital staircase? Yes, also the beach and especially Clooney's tragicomic run! If I were him, I would have trashed the role just for those 30 seconds, but I must admit it was a brilliant idea. Don’t you mention the millionaires’ shorts and slippers: they are the stars of the film. Damn, so you really watched it; but I would like to remind you of the last honey-framed shot: you were about to vomit too, don't deny it. Overall, I like it. To me, all in all, it’s not bad.

“The Heirs” as a title is spot on. Can we go?

Yes, there are heirs and it’s an important part, but... Christ, don’t start, couldn’t we just translate it simply this time? Yes, we could, but I believe the core isn’t the heirs, but rather the opening where it states it’s a common mistake to associate Hawaii with a preview of paradise when in truth it’s not. Do you want to deny that it’s obvious they made a mistake calling it “The Descendants“: it’s misleading for the audience, what about “Paradise Lost“ instead? I say you’re still pissed because you couldn’t translate “Sideways” back then and now you want to make up for it, but if as usual, you want to interpret it then at least leave Milton alone, okay? You are afraid to touch the titles, you would leave the dialogues in the original language and give a vocabulary to the spectators: too easy, we have to help the dumb audience going to the cinema, they are already few enough. I really don’t understand how you can’t see that "The Heirs" doesn’t convey what the author wanted to express and how unappealing it is. You're raving, I give up and go to the bar. So, do you want a Jägermeister, big shot? If you stop, I’ll offer it to you.

A bitter, of course! I got it:“Bitter Paradise”! Does it sound good?
Yes boss, if they didn’t give us a hard time with “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, it’s not just good, it’s perfect.

Between three and four stars.