Audioslave
Audioslave

THE REVIEW

Add a barely sufficient rhythm section, a bit of fuzzy guitar noise that follows the bass lines plus some noise to look cool, some lyrics like "yo man, get the motafukka outta hea" yelled by a guy pulled off the sidewalk in some Hispanic neighborhood in alternately Seattle, Los Angeles or San Diego and here you have the new Rage Against The Machine.
Just make a lot of noise and give the impression you're thinking it through and you immediately get some damn contract with a damn major like Sony Music. Whether what is played is fake like the Nike polos sold by Moroccans under the Scalzi Bridge in Venice, it doesn't matter. American kids consume crap in industrial quantities; they are the equivalent of kids who 10 years earlier were buying Poison records. MTV does its part, so does Sony Music, and boom! The new rock for the new millennium.
And then maybe the members of the new rock sensation start to hate each other, no problem, split for musical differences and here you are with Audioslave 1, Audioslave 2, 3, etc., with the crappy managers tripled.

Music criticism: use of the minor tone, the "rhythm" is the same (try with a metronome), the repetitiveness of the main riff, the fact that the riff itself is based on the same intervals, without digging too much into technical matters, these are clones of the Zeps and the Soundgarden, just listen: Cochise is Black Dog, so much so that I've heard cover bands put them together in medleys seamlessly.

But holy crap, this is an album that has its reason for being only blasted on Sunday mornings when you're in your damn bourgeois courtyard washing your dad's Punto, which he lent you the night before because you had to take your girl to gulp down crappy cocktails in some damn private club, and you still have the seats stained with drool, oh no, it's just her saliva since you couldn't even finish because obviously of this crappy band's crappy music.

And the RATM??? Who remembers them?? Extremely derivative the Ratm: more or less evident plagiarisms from the first Urban Dance Squad and the Sweet Lizard Illtet album (who annihilated Morello and company as for originality and stylistic versatility). Because, in truth, what did the clumsy Rage reduce to on the first album (the only one I own, the others I listened to in passing since they were photostatic copies)? Rhythm of granite power but devoid of flickers with that bass often too limited to copying the guitar riffs, Morello who, after treating us to the scholastic hard rock loop (listen to the Zeppelin-like "Kashmir" heists within the album) attempted to astonish the dumb audience with special effects on pedals and ended up becoming the poor man's Belew, La Rocha with his hysterical rapping (model "horseradish root in the ass") that already grated in just the second listen. A global thermonuclear shit unlistenable, make the youngster listen and there's the misplaced magic word, "masterpiece," oh...but are these the Fugazi? What deconstruction of song form!! No, not at all dude listen to me well, what you are listening to you son of a bitch are the Audioslave because they like to play like they did 30 years ago not caring if meanwhile rock died and became post, they don't give a damn they’re just looking for a way to build something important (like a damn terraced villa in Bel-Air for example). Such shit that compared to them Linkin Park seems like the Jesus Lizard. I borrowed it before writing the review and even listened to it TWICE. If this is a good hard rock album, the Saxons were fundamental pioneers. Compared to them even late Pearl Jam are suddenly reevaluated. I put them on one night in the car, I was with the girl and couldn't get aroused, put the audio stuff she says to me, but fuck you and the slaves try lifting that boob if you can! What’s wrong can't you do it and what the hell do you expect from me?? Useless smelly go back to blowing the hipsters with GEM at full blast.

The Audioslave, open-minded social people!! Like the Ratm!!! Back off to the cultures that live together (yes yes like in Jerusalem) a black, an Indian, a Hispanic and an American in the same band playing rock and roll!!! Isn't it all brilliant?? Soy ispanighe soy Ascanio der shit, I’m a male of the ispanighe type. Yes they claim the rights of the shitty minorities instead of experimenting in music something new, Cornell who cares about the poor abhauabahauab, but bahauabahaubau even for Zack goddamn liar of rock, maybe the sissies deserve a lot of things from the State, they certainly don't deserve “more rights” than common people.

[Follows a series of raving nonsense, which we spare you. Vic, your fascist goody-two-shoes proclamations please write somewhere else. Try with Feltri.]

So dear ex Ratm, I don't give a damn that you're leftists, rich-ass bastards go to hell with your social bullshits, art is something else, it has nothing to do with social issues, what the fuck Bob fucking Geldof is not an artist!! I'm going back to the terrace to continue to weightlift the bird.